Nov 8, 2005

An amazing comment!

While I don't typically publish readers comments as Posts on my blog, I received a comment yesterday that I felt truly deserved the honor.
The asterisk's text below was taken from what began as a counter-comment from one male reader to another- in response to my Post entitled "A JUST WORLD?" written on Oct 30th.
What follows is in essence a manifesto, an elaboration of one mans definition of the sacred oath of true manhood, as it relates to women and the world around him. Amazing stuff.

Now the irony here is that after reading the original reader's(misandrop's) contemptuous counter-comment to me, in the Men's News daily on a post regarding the VAWA bill (a comment that he was so proud of that he actually provided a hyper-link to it within the body of his comment left on the "Just world?" post!) I decided to delete his comment from my blog- something I typically dont do, with the decision based solely upon the ugliness of his comment to me in mnd--- A comment that was far less solicitous than the one left on my blog and lacked even a shred of feigned humanity or decency. Perhaps he was showing off as it were, for his cohorts at that publication- much like a child would do-either way, he went too far and showed himself there for what he truly is. as Mr Romero pointed out,and I also took note of of, this guys MO has all the earmarks of a potential abuser- right down to the poorly veiled attempts at taking the high road at the close of his bitter post, perhaps intent on trying to regain the appearance of magnanimity. You can decide for yourselves..
In any event, had I deleted his comment one day sooner, It wouldn't have been there for Mr Romero to read and respond to with such passion and eloquence. Once again the hands of fate were conspiring... Nuff said-Enjoy!

note: This comment has been edited for practical purposes, THE ORIGINAL can be found in its entirety, within the comments section of my post entitled "A Just World?" datestamp Oct 31

**Misanthrope.... suck it up and be a man, in the classical sense that nature cast us, as providers and protectors.
The genealogy of the human race as a social and cultural animal has been brought forward largely due to the role of woman-as the custodians of our progeny. While the men folk were traversing land and sea be it for hunting food or resource enrichment or standing watch, guarding the gate to beat back the encroaching horde, the women were charged with seeing to the cohesiveness of the social order centering around the rearing of the children, the lifeblood and very breath we need to ensure the survival of the unique species that we are.

I am a man and therefore stake as my right, the ability to comment on judgments formed, from a lifetime so far of experiences and observations I have culled on what it means to be a man and a man's role in our society.
A real man behaves himself. REGARDLESS should a man have the conscious bearing toward rude, distasteful, negligent or even criminal action, behavior as such is not justifiable. There's no excuse to slough those murky grounds and liability should be especially exacted if a man treads there with knowledge of this beforehand.

A real man is not a burden on his society. REGARDLESS where our casted lot has sorted us, the real man stands shoulder to shoulder with his fellows stoking the coal-fed fires in the engine room heat, with comraderie as our water ration.

A real man does not foist his dysfunctions, if befell by them and at their mercy, onto those weak, or not, around him. A real man realizes that should he lose the moral lodestone a man must be to his family then high has come the time that either he toils to regain it, with the help of others if need be, or suffer the consequences and remove himself from their presence, monetary support notwithstanding- the cognizant act of fathering children precludes a man from avoiding his financial support.

The bottom line is that as men we have not only a responsibility but a choice as well. Once we've made the choice along these lines, the mantle of new responsibilities enjoins; responsibilities that have been struck into the genetic make-up of our social fabric as I have outlined above.

If you. Misanthrope truly werea real man and you got screwed by the system so much so to be cast into your misanthropic mire, then I would stand by you my fellow, and bouy you up with a forearm grasp and then champion your cause by your side should a request by you be offered. As we all have felt the irony of the cosmos when bad things happen to good people.
Which is not you, Misanthrope. You are not a good man, or a real man for that matter, and any affiliation, I could ever imagine we would have would be a vigilant watch over you as a safeguard to those you may someday try to hurt. Reading between your lines I see a bitter small man coming through, who, out of an indignant ego and petty pride has chosen to bail your bile laden bilge onto the purifying glow of Ms. Chasing Normal, this woman who first was brutalized at the hands of some worthless piece of human detritus.
Surviving that, she was then subjected to victimization once again through the court system as only imagined from the countless Domestic Violence cases bargained out. Cases in these courts bargained out to the extent that crime as well as punishment have been watered down to nearly nothing at all.....nothing at all compared to the mountainous magnitude of pain, physical disability, trauma, and lifetime suffering and, as in many cases, violent death to follow.
Cases bargained out by feckless prosecutors and equally amoral defense attorneys most times cronies from the same bar association, making deals over cocktail lunches and who-knows-what-other-favor-swappings going on, all heard before a judge from, once again, the same bar.

It's attitudes like yours that find themselves into every aspect of our society. An attitude that when, midway thru another trial of so many cases, with the victim mustering every strength to face her cowardly and immoral and many times sociopathic attacker, a gunshot heard from somewhere on the street outside the courthouse, prompts the words "Sorry honey, we gotta go and catch us a real criminal, besides you don't look that bad any more, time has healed your face fine. Case Dismissed."

The real horror lies in that gunshot heard. Too often do we hear about the gunshot coming from "the estranged acquaintance" exacting his revenge -
Who of us will have the courage to protect and defend our women?

I, as a man am appalled and deeply troubled by this bellwether of our society. Besides the full weight of every ounce of intellect and moral fiber I have thrown to stand in support of VAWA and those working to rid our culture of the seething apathy toward domestic violence, I stand ready at the gate, with an eye on you, and your kind and a cell phone in hand dialing 911 to protect the women, children, and any of my fellow citizenry who might fall prey to you predators infused throughout our society. And if necessary I can root around the floor of my hall closet for my old Louisville Slugger.

Your type raises all kind of alarms for me. You dare air your connivances masquerading as intelligent discourse from a pity pulpit, on a page where someone is trying to rouse herself from the waking nightmare into which she was plunged, with intentions solely to right the wrongs visited on so many innocents. Ms. CN is threatening no one except the likes of you cowards who feel personally attacked by those seeking justice from the legal system, and a willing acknowledgement from society. To those who genuinely engage in trying to make this world a better place, I welcome Ms. Chasing Normal's blog and applaud her tenacity.

The public seems in a unified cry to rid the streets of thieves and drug dealers and criminals especially of the violent type. But where lies the difference that lets charlie punch clock or eddie the executive who comes home from work, smiling and waving to the neighbors, to walk scott-free when behind closed doors he beats his wife-or merely threatens her with violence. This is terrorism of the domestic kind.
Is this the ilk to which you belong??? misanthrope???

Possibly the "ex-parte" you have become enlightened of, was visited on you, probably as your ex was seeking to protect herself potential or further harm.
She wants you out? Then get out. Do something decent and exhibit some dignity. It's called "not making a bad situation any worse". Compared to the beatings, it's a lump no real man would complain about taking.

This would explain why you and your buddies over at the Men's News Daily have raised such hue in mounting baseless attacks defending your stance against the VAWA bill. Where do you get the cojones to claim after reading the Just world article, that the principles involved; i.e. victims, were so misguided to not see that the real victims were the likes of you. If I may reiterate to you my opening comment to you... Grow a set of balls. I'd be embarrassed to say, let alone post for the whole wide web to read, comments as you did, should one day occur I fall ill with fever and suffer permanent delirium.

With hubris you claim being helped to understand....because inconvenient facts are conveniently left out, blah, blah, blahÂ…..inane prattleÂ…... You claim as fact billions allocated to women's shelters' but nothing to abused men and children, although they comprise 50% or more of the victims abused. Site your sources to backup these ridiculous claims. Many women fleeing an abusive house take flight to shelters with their children.

Do yourself a favor big man, crawl out of that sensory depravation tank you call your life and volunteer at one of the many shelters IÂ’m sure to be found within your locale. What you will see there in one evening alone will change you forever. But I am remiss in making this suggestion for they would never let a scumbag like you have the address to on of these shelters, let alone allow you near one. While the policy line would be to protect them from you, when the lights go out,Â… you know that old strength in numbers thing.

The VAWA bill covers all domestic violence, men and women; And I know that renaming the bill Violence Against People Act would not be enough to prevent a malcontent such as you from spewing your hate-veiled- as-cogent- comment.

With all that said......

......while the world is full of creeps like you, and never is the occurrence I would dignify the tripe you've written with a response, it was the profile of the abuser you really are that leapt off the page at me as my eyes read across the last two paragraphs and your closing comments. In typical abuser form, once the verbal abuse and vilification complete, the abuser reverts to the soft pedal approach, with veiled words of feigned assurances, to lure his victim in again, should a guard go up and he starts to lose her.

You are sorry for her suffering??? You pray for her???? Kind regards???? You sicken me with your meaningless platitudes. Did you think you saw another damaged women you thought you could run your game on? Or perhaps you were trying to salvage from the scrap heap a few shreds of dignity in attempts to restore a sense of credibility among any other passing viewers? IÂ’m sure many, including Ms. CN, can see right through to what is seriously wrong with you. What worries me is there are many people out there unable to recognize you as the evil-entity with no redeeming value that you are- they that number as possible potential victims.

Whoa, whoa, whoa……. (And at this point I ‘ve just returned from your cross-link to Men’s News Daily and in stunned anger read your reply to Ms. O’Keefe’s heart-as-well-as-gut wrenching experience to which you mocked in your reply. And the class act that she seems to be called it as she saw it –an utter lack of human decency- and refused comment any further.
Which is not the case with me and my kind; us, the reemerging real men in this world. My friends and many co-workers stand all together on as this as a topic we share liberally and often with all the men we meet. More than reinforcing respect for the women in our lives, we stress the importance of remaining silent no longer if we hear, see or even suspect there is violence toward the people in our lives.

A no account piece a crap like you spouting twisted hate in some bar within the presence of myself or the men I know, would find himself vigorously persuaded to reconsider the next words he chose to speak. ItÂ’s a free world to think what you want but when you come out of corner bringing your demented discourse into the public forum, youÂ’ve become fair game. And if intelligent prodding convinces to no avail, then cheerfully I would invite you to step into alley behind the bar, so we may see how you hold up to having your head smashed repeatedly against a solid wall. And my defense?, why I would present as Exhibit A your illuminating alliteration.

A wise man you are keeping shielded your identity. You wouldn’t want to let to your friends and employer the misogynist you really are. Then known to all you would be the pariah you should be. I’m sure talking stupid goes over big with your inane horse scrota buddies at the Men’s News Daily. However, this, as well as your attempts to parley intelligentsia while “away from home”, reveal the insipid shallow child you are to be. For the future, reserve your drivel for your blog only so that we in the sphere can avoid it at all cost and snuff out your vile vitriol with determined disinterest.

In closing, misanthrope, on your knees you should fall and beg forgiveness to all mankind for your callous, rude and insensitive rant, as well as such misguided conviction.
While my voice I raise in praise for this brave soldier Laurel Makepeace OÂ’Keefe. She is woman for all intents and purposes who has not merely survived but emerged only stronger, despite horrific abuse and lingering suffering, while dispelling damage along the way. With intelligence accompanying as her hand maiden she has taken up as standard bearer with her voice speaking out the survivor's tone. ****

Posted by Manny Romero to Chasing Normal .. at 11/07/2005 10:51:25 AM

Nov 5, 2005

Rape victim takes stand after 30 years

Here is a story from the n.y times about a brave woman- who, 30 years after a brutal rape that went unsolved, is now facing her attacker in court; All due to DNA databanking for violent offenders. Dna evidence was not available at the time of this crime, but... samples from the rape were properly preserved and subsequently tested against offenders from a federal dna bank, a match was made with a repeat sex offender, who is now facing this latest set of charges stemming from a rape he long ago believed he'd gotten away with.

Oct 31, 2005

The Path Of Least Resistance

The following passage was taken from a recent post on the blog "Fine Malta" It really sums up well a discouraging tendency in others to ignore or minimize the experience of victims- of violence-or in my opinion, gross injustice of any kind.

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering."

A Just World?


I just read two very interesting articles on the NATURE of justice, and something called cognitive dissonance -dont be put off by the lofty tone of it, it's a fairly a simple concept;
They help to explain why so many people are apathetic or judgemental of people who have been hurt or victimized by life events outside of their control. This includes of course victims of violent crime, who have been brutalized first by the crimes committed against them and then all too often doubley injured by a lackluster at best cruel at worst judicial "system."ThE very same they once undoubtedly once innocently assumed would be "THERE" if and when god forbid they ever should need to rely upon it. This includes institutuions such as the judicial court AND the law enforcemnt system, local social services, as well as down at the community level where the presumed support can fall cruelly short of what the victim aver anticipated. Indeed this profound lack of supoort combined with an element of cold hearted judgement-not of the perpetrator but of the victim-for somehow having "brought the tragic events upon themselves'-this is the fait de compli within the post traumatic stress experience, and indeed can be the final emotional insult which renders the victim unable to heal and thus stuck in an awful place.
I know of this.

Now altho this syndrome is common with victims of violent and or sexual crimes it certainly isnot exclusive to traumtic acts of violence caused by ones fellow man.; Weve seen it very
recently with hurricane katrina, victims...
( ie "they deserve what happens to them, they should of left..sooner, its their own fault' yadda ya

We also see it a lot with domestic and partner violence crime- before reading this article I had actually given it a name I called it the "pack of hyena effect": As a former victim of an violence crime I couldnt help but notice a very disturbing tendency among all kinds of otherwise "good" people to gang up, and do thier best to find the victim to blame somehow, for having been victimized and/or treated in any unjust manner.-I was also horrified to note that once someone was victimized in an especiallyovert way, there seemed to be a free for all of sorts for further victimization of that person, as if they were now up for grabs for our very worst behaviors, as permanent victims in effect. Marked.

These were terrible truths about human nature to be encountering after having just survived a violent crime, this I will tell you. I became emotionally and spiritually devastated more by the aftermath of the crime, than by the crime itself, which plainly speaking was horrific.

As past victim of these behaviors,(five years ago march) I was heartened and even somewhat vindicated by reading about what turns out are well known syndromes- I much prefer a rational understanding of how people could behave so badly towards someone who has just been terribly brutalized ,for the only other option was a floundering belief that people-and thus the world, must be inherently evil-For someone who is an idealist at heart, this was very nearly a kind of death.

Please Read these important articles, they will undoubtedly change the way you think and feel about victimization and Justice. The second link brings you to a page and its the 2nd post from the top of that page re PTSD -not the first post re hiv.

Oct 25, 2005

A Must Read for Domestic Violence

It is rare to find any one article written on the subject of domestic violence that is both unapologetically honest and dead-on insightful- never mind an entire collection of them... Kudos to "Mother Jones" for doing just that with this excellent expose on the domestic violence crisis in our country today; As a survivor of intimate violence, I identified with everything in this series, particularly "The Counselor's" appraisal of the current mis- utilization of our courts many victims advocacy offices, who having become swallowed up by the bureaucracy of the the local judicial systems that encompass and in the end, cripple them--I personally can attest to this very syndrome in my own domestic assault case, heard at Golden hill St Court Ga2 in Bridgeport, Connecticut.(Pictured).This is clearly not what was intended when these entities were created, and it is in fact a tremendous waste of resources, resource that is hard-won and slated for the saving and rebuilding of lives.
If you are a woman, or if you care about women (and remember, our girls grow to become women) You need to read this important piece on the real issues surrounding DV in this country today.

Oct 23, 2005

Oct 16, 2005

Domestic Violence Awareness month

Don't forget everyone, October is domestic violence awareness month-And there are many ways to get involved and raise awareness in your area!
For one, There are DV shelters for women and children in peril in every state and city in the United States. There exact whereabouts are confidential for obvious reasons, but they are always in need of donations, either in the form of money or actual household and personal items. So Peruse your household items, pull out any extras you've accrued as well as any items that you don't use much-and donate them to the nearest shelter in need! Remember, these families have been ripped out of their homes, with nary a moment to pack and thus need just about everything that you and I take for granted every day. If you haven't anything from your home to donate, find out what is needed with a phone call, and go out a make a donation basket, fill it with toiletries books some modest toys,These shelters can usually use any items that will brighten their appearance; soothing artwork, an inexpensive CD player, music/relaxation cds etc. The folks at your local dv agency can fill you in on the greatest needs of your particular local shelter--and they can forward your donations to the shelter in need.
So just get out there and pitch in in whatever capacity is most needed, be it donations, volunteering your time, or starting a support group...but most importantly...get involved! And talk about Intimate and domestic violence. Educate yourself and your loved ones regarding physical and emotional abuse, and this includes teenagers who have just started dating-this means boys as well as girls! Not only do boys need to be educated about intimate violence from the perspective of not becoming potential abusers, they need to be aware that they can be victims as well. Its a very good idea to teach our young adults about the warning signs of an abusive relationship, so that they will recognize the patterns and behaviors of a potential abuser before they become involved or if they are already involved with one,the statistics for abuse among teenage dating relationships is much higher than you'd think!
Don't forget too, that domestic violence in some form occurs in one out of 4 households in the united States, and the children that witness this often grow up to repeat similar violence in their own relationships, as batterers or as victims. This is a deadly cycle that can be stopped-- this is where education, counseling and sometimes intervention, are necessary.

SAFE4all is an excellent source for information regarding every type of intimate violence, including teenage dating and elder violence, as well as being a good source for local and national activism. They can assist in increasing individual/community awareness in a number of ways and they are always in need of volunteers and members; They can be found at
And remember; The number one thing that will help to eradicate this kind of violence is awareness and education. There was a time when the whole subject of domestic violence was considered a private matter, between husband and wife, or man and his woman, even by our local police departments! A collective denial, mixed with an ignorant notion that the victims of DV must not mind it,(translated; deserve it) because they were not leaving their abusive partners;this was the presiding mentality for a long time and is still prevalent even within some justice systemsWe now know that the victims of chronic d.v are in effect suffering from a kind of brainwashing, not disimilar from the experiences of kidnap victims or P.O.W's, This is called The Stockholm syndrome. In short, it is a sick symbiosis (attachment/dependency) that the victim develops for her abuser, through his/her constant use of control, fear, isolation,manipulation, and of course- force. After repeated episodes of what would seem indiscriminate physical assaults, the victim exhibits what is called "learned helplessness" all part of the batterers plan.
There is a great deal involved in the dynamics of an abusive relationship, including the fact that physical abuse is almost always precipitated by some form of emotional abuse, as well as a set of classic identifying behaviors. I heard this once summed up as ''The banality of evil", The up side of which is the fact that chronic abusers can be identified by a very commonplace set of characteristics and behaviors. You can learn about all of these things in greater depth via the many web- based information sites on intimate/domestic violence, including the SAFE4ALL.ORG link on sidebar, as well as your own counties DV helplines/agencies.

I will be happy to email anyone directly with access to available sources for specific info about intimate/domestic violence-- Just click on my profile for email link and send your questions and requests.

Oct 13, 2005

Post Traumatic what?

Many people erroneously believe that Post traumatic Stress Syndrome-or PTSD- is something that veterans of war suffer with, more or less exclusively . There is also a knee jerk reaction to associate the disorder with the Vietnam War, which makes sense as this was when it was officially given its name, although it has obviously existed throughout the history of man.

In addition a fair amount of folks that I queried were under the impression that only events of big terrorist-type-proportions, like 9/11, Columbine School, Plane crashes and the like are the kind of experiences besides active warfare that causes PTSD.. Others yet perceived it as a syndrome of vague definition, lumping it in with disorders like adult attention deficit (AADD), and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) believing it in essence, a faux disorder, one of those over-diagnosed and often self-diagnosed-maladies. Once again, not at all true!

There is in fact a huge percentage of the American population walking around with PTSD, most of whom are undiagnosed. I was one of them; Three years ago I was two years belatedly diagnosed with "Chronic Severe Post traumatic Stress disorder" by a local psychotherapist, but ironically it was a Physical Therapist/ Massage Therapist/Reiki master that was the first person to treat it successfully -- this she did using a combination of touch therapy and bodywork.
She later very responsibly refereed me to a Psychiatrist who specialized in In the end it was both treatments simultaneously.-

Sep 4, 2005

Hiatus 911

The anniversary of 9/11 has affected me quite deeply this week. Added to the deluge of news about hurricane Katrina and it's has all cumulatively taken a huge toll on my spirit.

This Sunday, myself and millions of other Americans watched with somber awe the 4th anniversary memorial of the Sept 11 attack on the twin towers. I watched and listened to the recitation of the names of each and every person who perished in the NYC attack of 2001.
This staggering en masse memoriam was carried out by friends and family members of the respective 2,112 victims who who died that day.

In small groups of two to six, they stood at the podium reciting the name of their lost loved one and who they were to them ie--beloved husband, wife, Mother, father, sister, brother, daughter friend. Some could only manage to state their lost ones name, others read aloud a meaningful prayer or poem or verse, words arranged artfully to capture the essence of their loss.

The words I miss you " were heard over and over and over again, but they
never seemed hollow or repetitive for with each time they were spoken the pain of that persons individual loss could be felt distinctly each one bound to the next, yet separated too by the uniqueness of their pain and loss. It was poignant powerful and most of all, very sad.
The enormity of the pain and loss on this one day through this one hateful action,
was utterly overwhelming .

Seeing the grief and pain still so fresh on the faces and in the voices of the surviving family or friends, brought it all right back as if it had just happened yesterday. And that's when it hit me, It is never going to be truly over . Certainly not for the families of the victims, nor the survivors, nor the thousands like me geographically near enough to feel swept up by the threat of the attack.

Although I did not personally lose any family or close friends to 9/11, the tragedy was close to home nonetheless. A Connecticut resident of many years, I was born in New york City, and despite my families relocation to the Connecticut suburbs midway through my childhood, I've always considered myself a New Yorker at heart.

My fondest childhood memories took place in locales like Rockefeller Center and Yankee stadium-- to name but a few. Even the grubby New York City taxicabs with their infamously grouchy drivers, have a place in my heart for I can vividly recall my father and his impressively loud whistle which he reserved for hailing down yellow cabs for his troupe of girls en route to one of our weekend outings.

Needless to say New York City was-and still- is-a very special place for me,
It is it's diversity that defines the city and lends it so much of it's uniqueness.
A veritable melting pot of culture, religion, and food-- you name it, New York's got it,
And for the most part,everyone lives together harmoniously, despite, and indeed some say because of those differences.

Ironically, it was the very antithesis of this kind of tolerance that brought to bear such violence and terror upon her innocent citizens.